Things that makes us Greenies wish we had taken that job cutting grass at Rugby Park –

Degenerate Smokers stubbing out fags on the lids of the new bins, use your shoe or tongue or better still yer eyeball please.

One handed bunker raking. Please lay your club down and rake with both hands pushing the sand away from you as you exit as this makes for a better bunker.

Broken tees left lying about please try and pick up yer shrapnel, and return it to the pocket it came from, broken tees don’t harm you – honest – I’m a Doctor.

There’s more but you’ll be bored already no doubt, but you can’t beat a bit of cathartic chest clearing.

As Auld Archie says “naebidie’ pits the clooties oot afore the end o’ May” meaning, of course, it still cold in May and this last week has proved the “Cumnock Confucius” right again – it’s been effin freezing ! Today a bit better so we will defo see some good growth, we’ll be doing the rain dance soon, so get out and play before we invoke the Gods.

Interpreters note – Coolties are cloths or clathes and this expression is about hanging the washing out. Dic’ def – “A clootie is a strip or piece of cloth, a rag or item of clothing; it can also refer to fabric used in the patching of clothes.

Enough nonsense, back to the course.

We finally got back to hand cutting this week so all going well you’ll see the greens getting close to the target 9.5 – 10 stimp speed very soon. (For ref – Troon was 10.5 for the Open).

The reshaping of the fairways continues, we think it’s going to look good especially after more growth so all feed back would be appreciated. For member info we have one fairway cutting machine for all 27 holes (our near neighbours Western and Dundonald have 3 each – lucky them) so it’s worked hard. If we want to maintain this fancy shaping, we will need to get another unit second hand. (Dougie has no doubt spat out his tea at that).

Hillhouse 5th new tee now in play.

Three Grand – Pounds Sterling (a lot of brown drinking vouchers as we call tenners) – thats how much yon synthetic grass cost at the new 5th tee (Thats more of Dougies tea gone). On top of that nearly 100 man-hours preparing and laying the stuff, so we hope (remember hope? Hopefully not false) that you think it’s worth it. Incidentally we were quoted 13k plus vat for a local firm to fit the same stuff so the club got a bargain.

Oh and BTW Dougie is the Finance Convenor and does a great job trying to keep us from spending all the members money.

The plan would be to use the same stuff on the first tee if it wears ok during the season.

Finally –

There was some talk that perhaps we lifted the preferred lies rule a bit too early and perhaps we did so sorry about that, but we know all golfers secretly love (or need) an excuse for a bad shot so getting a dodgy lie is the perfect cover for, shall we say, those pesky mishits we seem to keep having!

Enjoy your golf.

The Greens Team.