It’s been a strange week, Monday saw the debate on the deterioration of the holes get heated once again (more on that later). Wednesday brought rain that had us at 6 in the morning peering out from the sheds like some Australian bush baby, wondering what the hells that, searching our memory banks to answer that age old question, what does a greenie do in the rain if we canny cut grass, apart from squeegee the 6th green and discover that yer boots huvnae’, like these fancy tyres, self-repaired and yer feet are effin soaking. Maybe we’ll get sent home……..


Aye right……….


Millions of jobs to-dae’ today bark the overseers, as the metaphorical whips were cracked. Bunkers still need raked (raking a wet bunker is about as funny as hearing your medal winning score was DQ’d for forgetting to put your handicap on the card), bins need emptied, broken tees need picked up, tees moved, new hole needs made ready for play, more shells on paths at 3 to 4 and Hillhouse 7, liquid seaweed fertiliser on all the fairways, strim the burn reeds, old bin from the first moved to Links 5th tee……..and then after tea…….


Aye, aye we get the picture as we brave that life giving, precipitating miracle from the Gods, that reinvigorates growth and reaffirms the cycle of life, rehydrates bodies, blooms flowers and reminds us that we really are just some charged atoms and molecules zooming about in the infinite cosmic universe (eh! its rain, driech, damp and miserable, the only thing zooming is yer heed).


Friday Morning, fast start with greens hand cut to 3mm and new Course laid out, signage altered with prophylactic covers on a temporary basis, sail flags positioned as per the Captains direction and ready to greet the pioneers that made the maiden voyage at the 12th tee.


A truly aristocratic reception awaited with the Captain , Chair and GM laden with “Well done’s” “Great Jobs” and bottles of Buckie or maybe it was Prosecco ,whatever, it was bevy and greatly appreciated by us Greenies.

Past Captain Morton with step ladders and a zoom lens to capture the moments that in 50 years (or even next week) folk will look at and say “look at the state of that mob”.

We really enjoyed, in a schadenfreude type of way (the experience of pleasure, joy, or self-satisfaction that comes from learning of or witnessing the troubles, failures, or humiliation of another – the true essence of golf) watching the first members negotiate the new par 3, not the “simple wedge par 3” that forked tong ,snake oil, BS spouting Anderson promised, but a devilish hole that even if you hit the green, leaves you wondering if you’d be better in the bunker ! An up and down beats a 3 putt all day long.

Great stuff.


But old hat already, so on to more prosaic stuff.

You may have noticed that we managed to get more pressure to the water fountains.

I’m told that one day it looked like the Manneken Pis (you ken the fountain – yon wee boy), a steady healthy stream cascading onto the 8th tee. One of our more quick thinking members (Dutch heritage perhaps) plugged the hole with a tee, turns out both valves on the fountains are broken so we are trying to source replacements, both supply valves are now closed so apologies but no water available on the course until we get them sorted.


Back to the hole deterioration we’ve been seeing. New holes are  cut Friday and Tuesday but are not staying in shape, we are still sticking to our theories of crusty greens and more care needs to be taken when pulling and replacing the pins so, can we respectfully ask everyone to be as careful as they can when handling the pins and a “top tip” –  hold with both hands as low as you can please, and when throwing them back in from the side of the green try and arc as high as you can so they don’t hit the sides on entry. I’m so funny! Seriously the steadier they are, the less they waggle about and hit the side, think of the wee boy in the statue mentioned earlier and the mess that’s made when things waggle aboot’.


On the rake issue word comes from on high that the cabinet was surprisingly keen on rakexit (whit – changing from wood to metal re -RTroon and Dundonald), which means the big fella is going to cost a change to metal type rakes, so a proposal can be put to the council for consideration.


Enjoy your golf.


The Greens Team.