A morality tale from the life of a Greenie’.


So picture this, you suffer from hay fever, got a flash motor that’s got a dodgy starter, and you’ve had one too many the night before and you pull in to work 5 mins late. The boys have already grabbed the cutters and fled to the outer reaches. You find the Big Man (no not God but might as well be from your lowly station) Brian pointing at the new hole cutter that’s been a royal pain with the terrible words “your on holes the day’” (after, of course, he’s stated the bleedin obvious “you’re effin late”.)


Now, you live to cut grass – greens to 3mm, tees to 8mm, fairways to 6, bunker surrounds, green approaches, walkways, practice grounds, semi rough, and these mentalist golfers even want the rough cut down FFS. But cutting holes, man that sucks, but you’re a humble servant with a runny nose and a “sare heed” so duty calls.


As you bump along the well beaten track, heading for the 1st green a cunning plan forms in your mind, or more accurately, the parts of it not turned to mush by nightmares of grass that never, ever ever, ever stops growing. You’ll find undulations and burrows and hollows and slopes and neglected parts of the greens that you need a stamp on your passport to get too.

You’ll fix it

You’ll sort it

You’ll make so

You’ll make sure your name will be synonymous with the phase “he’s no dayin’ them again”.


And so it came to pass, the stars aligned, the tablet was written, Jupiter was on talking terms with Mars, our Bill Murray out of caddy shack, our quixotic hero, our greenie wi’ a burstin’ heed’, will never again hear that booming voice say……

“You’re on holes the day.”


Or ………….


Sorry for some of the pin positions at the weekend……….


However, as the chatter spilled over from the Saturday to Sunday, like “ them pins, I had more putts than there are Ladies competitions” (that’s a lot of putts) and “the pin at the 9th was so far back it was on Dundonald’s rangefinder”, a young chap strolled onto the Links and produced a round that had us all in awe.


Greg Vernon 64, take a bow.


Well done Fella, defo the lowest score ever by a member on the Links and as far as we know only one shot off the course record (bogeyed 17 ya dumpling).

Fantastic and indeed the third sub 70 round by a member over the weekend so maybe we were being a bit too critical earlier on, but hey, a blogs a blog for aw’ that.


Although the course probably needed it, we were a bit melancholy about the rain. The shed dwellers like it hard and fast, crusty brown and not really sure where the bounce will take you, true Links Golf, a throwback to gentler times, when summers lasted, well forever (cue Sting “Fields of Barley” as background), and rationing and rickets made us what we are today, and wars were for the Whole World not just the Middle East.


Targeting 9.5+ on the stimpmeter for the greens again this week. One thing that’s worth mentioning, recent research shows that green speeds going from 9 to 10 as they did last week,  adds approx 20 minutes to a threeball holing out, perhaps another reason for the get-togethers the late morning starters have been having on the fourth, but it’s always nice to have time for a chat (and maybe pick up a broken tee or two).


Been a busy week again, still trying to catch up on seeding both at the new holes and x-gorse areas. It’s actually hard work (honest we do sometimes) and not something we really want to do. If you look at the seeded areas compared to the turf areas it’s no contest for quality of finish but the cost of turf means we don’t really have any option.


Wetting agent liquid fertiliser, liquid seaweed for root growth and dry patch applied to all greens.

Wetting agent applied to the links fairways to help let moisture in to the rootzone and help recovery due to leather jacket damage.


New 12th green top dressed and over seeded with links mix bent grass seed. A new apron was cut out at 7 mm and the aprons and fairway sprayed with wetting agent seaweed. Also, a light granular fertiliser applied.


Right gone on a bit too much today so I’ll leave you with this, from the poetry library at the sheds


I slept last night,

And dreamt that life was love and beauty, I woke to find that life was work and duty.

“Aye and your effin late an’aw.”!


(Paraphrased and adapted). E.Sturgess.


Enjoy your golf


The Greens team.